10:29 p.m. - 2010-01-16
The funeral...
...the funeral was huge. Mindblowingly huge. It was as a physical blow to see the lines going for a block or more. There was N-O parking in that part of the City at all left. The church was packed to past overflowing.

It was a blend of Anglican and Quaker service. There were so many people. And many that I saw only briefly and did not get to see afterward at the reception.

I lost it. I totally lost it. I could not say the 23rd Psalm because the beauty and emotion were too great for me. I could not sing Amazing Grace because the fact that someone wrote their trials and salvations into this well beloved hymn, it was too great and big for me to process. The emotion in the church was so very intense.

There was an elephant in the church. Most just politely averted their eyes, but a few obliquely gave it a shove, and one even said out loud that she hated that elephant, that that elephant had taken yet another loved one from her. The name of the elephant is Alcoholism.

So many people. So many people. W would have said "What are you all doing here?!" SO many connections. We are all so connected in so very many ways, most that we cannot even see.

At the reception I lost it repeatedly, but forch, very quietly. I hugged my friends and told them what treasures that they were and how grateful I am that I know them. That my life is richer for knowing them. I was glad to say it and I feel hopeful that I can continue this in the happy times as well.

When we got home, I was absolutely drained, both physically and psychically. There was so much emotion, and so much intensity. I wonder if we can feel the emotions of others. I wonder if on some level, we try to carry the emotions, to help out.

W was very young for her age. She was hugely intelligent and creative. She was unusually non-judgemental and open. She was very vulnerable to alcohol. It is almost as if from another species. You know, like someone come here from another planet, and some things are poisonous to them, but not the natives. W never forgot a face, and always, but always helped people. She helped people unused to or unwilling to take to learn how. She was joy.

I am glad that I got to tell her that I loved her.

Ned has been wonderful. I know, he must seem a mythical creature, and sometimes I think that as well. But he is a human never fear. How lucky that I am his and he is mine. And of course we are both Biba's!

Cavalry - Apache