6:28 a.m. - 2007-07-19
Whambulence? You decide...
Well, if you are not in the mood for stridency, defence, and other assorted goodies, then...

I have come to a point in my life where I have decided that things are not always my fault. I know that I have a flaw or two, but why is it that people think that they can use such a flaw against me to make me feel miserable (or as close as I come to it) and put me on the defence against something that really has nothing actually to do with me? People just like to lash out at others because they think that they can, is what I think.

As an example, I had a meeting a few years ago, let me think, it must be four years ago, on my fucking birthday, not that it's all that important. It was a meeting where one horrid woman had a secret agenda and a not-so-secret one. She wanted to further her job opportunities by humiliating everyone that she could think of, in order to make herself look better. I was one of those targets. Unfortunately, it worked for her. In this case, the flaw was my tendency to procrastinate. Not a strong point I admit, but she decided to rant, rage, humiliate and set up an "action plan" to "cure" me. It was really traumatic for me, as I have never really been aware of being publicly attacked. You know, on a personal level. Media, eh, who cares? Anyway, it led to a really traumatic and humiliating period in my life. You see, I BELIEVED her, that I was this despicable being. And I complied with her stupid demands. Do you know, even though I now know better, I still am traumified by anyone in that whole business area? ( I know, create your own drama anyone? Well, it's real to me, and that is not invalid!!!)

But the thing is? I really am not that horrible. Oh, I have my moments, but...most people, I think that they feel weak and helpless, or perhaps someone has attacked tham, so they turn to others and try to tear them down. Intellectually this is something that I think that we are all aware of, but to really process that emotionally, and really understand it, and then to be able to say " This has nothing to do with me, and I SHALL NOT assist you in the Tearing Down of Me!" There are so few builders of up, that we really must be aware that we are our own potential best advocate, and on a constant basis at that. We should not forget to take care of ourselves.

I had a meeting with that department next week and I freaked out and moved it to a week later. And then I began to think. This woman has had a very negative influence on me, but does that mean that I should cower in fear of her judgements? No! I shall attend this stupid meeting, get the information that I need from it, and if I don't get it? Guess what, there are other places to obtain these precious nuggets of wisdom. (Bah, sarcastic much?) And if there are questions/castigation, etc. well they can go suck it. Ironically, I don't believe that she even knows the damage that she has done, not only to me, but to quite a few others. She fulfilled her objectives, she got hers. Never mind the body count.

So I continued to wrestle with this. I find that actually, a lot of people tend to take things out on me. I have no idea of why, (or if it's even true!) but I do know that I am percieved as being super strong. But I do have a lot of people judging me and taking from me and tearing me down. I think that I have had enough. "Love thy brother" can only go so far. What if your brother is a complete shit? My best defence is a stolid exterior and seeming incomprehension. I'm not playing anymore. I simply refuse to believe that I am some target, no that isn't what I mean. I refuse to believe that I am so inherently flawed that it is acceptable for people to treat me like crap. ( Crap being defined as anything less than stellar.) Do you want to know something? I've observed more than a few people lately. It isn't just me! They try to treat everyone like crap! Can you imagine!

From the above, you'd think that I was some innocent, sheltered, delicate flower. The truth is, I come from a ruthless and warlike people. Bunch of cutthroats, basically. I just...don't follow that way very well. Every day I hold in my temper, hold in my destructive powers, you know, and try to channel them for good, but at least unbad. I'm no paragon, and I'd hate to be one. (Side note to you-know-who---sanctimony is NOT sexy!)

So my point? I am not certain that I have one, but I do know this, I am not gong to let others dictate to me how I feel. If you have a bad opinion of me? Brill, enjoy it, have a party. But don't come back to me and try to use that against me, because I won't be listening. LALALA, I can't heeeaaarrrr you! I should be taking care of me and not letting others just march in and carry off pieces of me. Bah!

I suspect that this is all about boundaries. I put into effect yesterday my self-protective and healing methods and I feel a lot better, but shocked, once again that people can be such shitheels, but forgiving, as they most likely never realise it.

Brought to you by Helen, the Queen of All Good.

Cavalry - Apache