8:57 p.m. - 2008-04-15
Mawkish?
Oh, I cannot even believe how tired I am. I think that I have what my mum used to call "caught a bug" which means that you are under the weather, but even moreso, but nothing major. SO I have not been up to much. I did see a squirrel run off a Sharp-Shinned hawk, and 'twas pretty awesome to see, especally since Mr. Spot the Dog ran the squirrel off after that. I hung a bit with an Aussie named Shaun, who was really quite brilliant. I did other things that of course remain bright sparkly blurs in the vast chamber that is my recent memory.

Ned and I had actually some seriously good communication this morning. It was about stuff. I really flipped out last Saturday (if you want to know how stupid and trivial it was, email me at fifidellabonATgmailDOTcom ) We just said a lot. We were talking about the views each had on selfishness. He is more like Ayn Rand (whom I think is plien de merde) and I see no honor in it. But we agreed that that is how we were, and I stressed that I was deffo not asking him to change, but that if we both saw how the other viewed it we might consider approaching things differently. Or not. Just to get differing views out is major for us. We are so very damnably polite. It is actually a failing of ours, it seems. But neither of us likes confrontation and each abhors violence (which is strange because I come from a violent people, perhaps I am rebelling!) but sometimes, in the lack of conflict, goes unnoticed a lack of true communication.

Geh. What in the wide, wide world of sports (I just taught Biba how to say that) am I trying to say? That a union of two does not make one. It makes a union of two. Two distinct sets of thoughts and dreams and all that. With togetherness can come apartness. But I do have to add that I feel so stressed out and nonunderstanding when I see friends of mine toss out their perfectly good husbands because "he wasn't giving me what I needed" (did they ask for it specifically?) so they look for something better, which might not exist. They lose something huge. It does take work to stay married. And marriage isn't for everybody. And it is incredibly scary and uncomfortable to put yourself out there without any armour, but in the end, for me, it has been always worth it. ( Let me clarify that I am talking about your basic long-term (is ten years long?) marriage, garden variety. Abuse and addictions completely change the playing field and the rules!)

I'll close by saying that tonight was like a Sunday afternoon, a time that is almost always wonderful and relaxed for us. I wish that for all of you who (whom?) are seeking.

Cavalry - Apache