7:53 a.m. - 2008-04-13
Masquerading as sane...
This is actually going to be semi-serious, which mean totally incomprehensible since I can only communicate clearly when I am being flip.

So. Did you ever think "If only I had an easy path to walk, if only there weren't any obstacles, wouldn't that be wonderful? I'd have it made." Things like that? Well, I am here to tell you that it isn't like that. Obstacles are a good, good thing. I am one of those "weak sisters" as an Auntie of mine says that doesn't have many obstacles at all. My load is extremely light, if it exists at all. So what do you think happens when I face an obstacle? I fall completely apart. Sometimes I wonder if I am sane or not. My perspective gets so skewed. Last night there was something so trivial that I can't even explain it. It is all wrapped up with responsibility, and waiting and all that. And being stubborn. It involved both Ned and I. Everything eventually was all fine, and Ned and Biba rolled with it, but I just couldn't and can't still. I won't let go. That's the part that makes me question my sanity. The not letting go long after it is over. Don't worry, Ned and I weren't fighting or anything, it is so trivial that I am embarrassed to mention it. I just don't understand why I get so thrown like that. I really do think that it is because my way is so smooth. Not that I want it otherwise, I know my limitations. I pray and add "please don't test me because I know that I'll fail." And it isn't because I have no challenge. I just command and I am obeyed when it comes to that. I think that I have some major control issues. No, I know it. I wonder if there are any exercises that one can do to strengthen their control-letting-go-of muscles? There is kind of more but it is so stupid that I can't even say it. Let it just suffice to say that I fear that I am behaving like an angsty teen. On the inside. On the outside you can't even tell that anything is wrong.

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